another day another crying episode
i ran out of antidepressants last night but i dont care they arent doing me any good anyway i dont want to take medications anymore
im lost
im at the nadir and there's nowhere to go but down
noone wants me around when im there and when im not they excise me from their minds like a tumor a boil to be lanced im a nonentity
i give up
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Safe Haven
I don;t know what I ate, but it is certainly having its way with my belly. I don't feel bad, I've just been, um, rather musical all day. I wanted to warn my co-workers, but couldn't think of a tactful way to tell them. I think maybe I ought to put up a sign,like at Sea World. You know: "Splash Zone."
I tried thinking of what I could call it, but I had some trouble.
Here are some of the ideas I rejected:
I tried thinking of what I could call it, but I had some trouble.
Here are some of the ideas I rejected:
- Gas Chamber (Too many negative connotations)
- Stench Closet (I'm in an open area)
- Fart Fantasy Land (Too whimsical)
- Odor Arena (Close, but not quite)
- Wafting Wonderland (Also too whimsical)
- Stinky Place (Accurate, but too generic.)
What I finally decided on was Aroma Zone. It sounds like a fun place, accurately describes what it should describe, but in a much more pleasant manner than is appropriate. It's a perfectly Orwellian description.
I like it.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Music Time : (Don't Fear) the Reaper - Blue Öyster Cult
I heard this song on the way into work yesterday, and it made me smile. If you don't know why without me telling you, though you SHOULD, I'll fill you in on the next page. But listen to this first:
Saturday, January 11, 2014
New Year's Resolutions
Now that January is almost half over, it might be a good idea to put up some New Year's Resolutions. I think my first should be to stop procrastinating, but maybe I'll leave that for next year.
Anyway, I probably shouldn't make new ones until I review last year's. So here goes:
For the first and second, wherein I wanted to be nicer to liberals and democRats by not comparing them to Nazis and Hitler, I think I performed fairly well. As I said last year, they are more akin to Stalin and Mao than to Hitler anyway.
For the third, my weight loss had averaged 16 pounds a year for the two years prior, and I wanted to keep that up. Didn't happen though: I lost 35 instead of 16 for a total of 67. I've been as high as 80, but with the winter hibernation weight gain I have annually, I gained some back. However, my gain was only half what it normally is, so there's that.
Four and five dealt with my walking. I walked 750 miles in 2012, and took several long hikes. I wanted to hit 800 or 850 miles and more long hikes. I can't remember how many long hikes I actually took, but I took a few, so neither win nor loss. However, as far as mileage goes, I hit 1000 miles on December 31. I was happy-ish.
Number six was to buy an assault rifle, which I did NOT do, though, as it conflicted with number seven, living within my means more. I DID buy a 20-gauge shotgun though. And as far as number seven went, I took a part time job to supplement my full time job. I paid off $1000 of debt and made it through a fairly pricey Christmas debt free. In fact, when I paid of the credit card I was using, I had EXACTLY enough left over for the tithing I owe. Funny how that works.
Number 8 was to throw the Alinsky-ite methods the left uses back at them, with ridicule and such. I started off strong, but lost steam toward the end of the year.
So, on to the new ones.
1). I want to continue to lose weight. I would like to lose thirty pounds from where I am now by mid-summer, so I can take my kids to one of the big amusement parks like Cedar Point or Kings Island and actually fit into the cool rides, like I did at Kennywood last year. If I can be do that, then be at that weight by the end of the year, I will be satisfied with the year.
2).I want to keep up my walking. I'm not sure whether to try for 1000 miles again, or go for 500 and get a bike and ride that for some mileage. I suspect that which it is depends on whether I can find a decent bike at a decent price.
3). Having found the church I'd been looking for, and having joined, I now want to do the best I can to be active and live the Word. I's not always easy, and my wife hates that I'm not Catholic anymore, but I always hated BEING Catholic, so she'll either deal with it or go. While I've heard the church leaders say the priority should be family, work, church, then self, I think it goes without saying that church should be in the mix. And I think I have to stay with the church I believe to be true, rather than pretend to believe what I know to be false.
4). I want to continue to work toward fiscal sanity. There will be opportunities to pick up hours throughout the year at my second job, and I want to take as many of them as possible. In the event that I get booted from my home, I want to be able to have some breathing room so that I can get settled elsewhere. Worse comes to worst, I want to be able to relocate as easily as possible if I get a job in another area, which would be awesome.
5). I want to try to feel better. Last year was the worst of my life, and it ended terribly. The last three months were nearly unbearable. And this year hasn't started well, either. I'm starting to think this is how it's going to be, so I might as well get used to it and make the best I can of it. My home life has gotten so uncomfortable as to make work the more attractive option, which is saying something. The plus side of that is I can use the money. The minus side is that there are only so many hours available to pick, and I have to sleep sometime.
6). There is NO resolution six.
7). I want to try to keep writing. I am having trouble doing funny or ranting or anything other than feeling sorry for myself, but having an outlet helps a little. I know there are very few people out there looking at what I write, and even fewer that have anything to say about it, but what can you do...
8). I'm going to try to remember that I'm an introvert. It seems that every time I try to be outgoing and make a friend, it ends badly and I end up ruining things and hurting everyone involved. The last time has thoroughly devastated me. I don't think I can take that again, and the only way I can think of to avoid it is to not make any new, deep friendships. If I don't care, then I can't be hurt. I am a rock.
Anyway, those are my goals for the new year. I hope whatever yours are, you find success and happiness in achieving them.
Anyway, I probably shouldn't make new ones until I review last year's. So here goes:
For the first and second, wherein I wanted to be nicer to liberals and democRats by not comparing them to Nazis and Hitler, I think I performed fairly well. As I said last year, they are more akin to Stalin and Mao than to Hitler anyway.
For the third, my weight loss had averaged 16 pounds a year for the two years prior, and I wanted to keep that up. Didn't happen though: I lost 35 instead of 16 for a total of 67. I've been as high as 80, but with the winter hibernation weight gain I have annually, I gained some back. However, my gain was only half what it normally is, so there's that.
Four and five dealt with my walking. I walked 750 miles in 2012, and took several long hikes. I wanted to hit 800 or 850 miles and more long hikes. I can't remember how many long hikes I actually took, but I took a few, so neither win nor loss. However, as far as mileage goes, I hit 1000 miles on December 31. I was happy-ish.
Number six was to buy an assault rifle, which I did NOT do, though, as it conflicted with number seven, living within my means more. I DID buy a 20-gauge shotgun though. And as far as number seven went, I took a part time job to supplement my full time job. I paid off $1000 of debt and made it through a fairly pricey Christmas debt free. In fact, when I paid of the credit card I was using, I had EXACTLY enough left over for the tithing I owe. Funny how that works.
Number 8 was to throw the Alinsky-ite methods the left uses back at them, with ridicule and such. I started off strong, but lost steam toward the end of the year.
So, on to the new ones.
1). I want to continue to lose weight. I would like to lose thirty pounds from where I am now by mid-summer, so I can take my kids to one of the big amusement parks like Cedar Point or Kings Island and actually fit into the cool rides, like I did at Kennywood last year. If I can be do that, then be at that weight by the end of the year, I will be satisfied with the year.
2).I want to keep up my walking. I'm not sure whether to try for 1000 miles again, or go for 500 and get a bike and ride that for some mileage. I suspect that which it is depends on whether I can find a decent bike at a decent price.
3). Having found the church I'd been looking for, and having joined, I now want to do the best I can to be active and live the Word. I's not always easy, and my wife hates that I'm not Catholic anymore, but I always hated BEING Catholic, so she'll either deal with it or go. While I've heard the church leaders say the priority should be family, work, church, then self, I think it goes without saying that church should be in the mix. And I think I have to stay with the church I believe to be true, rather than pretend to believe what I know to be false.
4). I want to continue to work toward fiscal sanity. There will be opportunities to pick up hours throughout the year at my second job, and I want to take as many of them as possible. In the event that I get booted from my home, I want to be able to have some breathing room so that I can get settled elsewhere. Worse comes to worst, I want to be able to relocate as easily as possible if I get a job in another area, which would be awesome.
5). I want to try to feel better. Last year was the worst of my life, and it ended terribly. The last three months were nearly unbearable. And this year hasn't started well, either. I'm starting to think this is how it's going to be, so I might as well get used to it and make the best I can of it. My home life has gotten so uncomfortable as to make work the more attractive option, which is saying something. The plus side of that is I can use the money. The minus side is that there are only so many hours available to pick, and I have to sleep sometime.
6). There is NO resolution six.
7). I want to try to keep writing. I am having trouble doing funny or ranting or anything other than feeling sorry for myself, but having an outlet helps a little. I know there are very few people out there looking at what I write, and even fewer that have anything to say about it, but what can you do...
8). I'm going to try to remember that I'm an introvert. It seems that every time I try to be outgoing and make a friend, it ends badly and I end up ruining things and hurting everyone involved. The last time has thoroughly devastated me. I don't think I can take that again, and the only way I can think of to avoid it is to not make any new, deep friendships. If I don't care, then I can't be hurt. I am a rock.
Anyway, those are my goals for the new year. I hope whatever yours are, you find success and happiness in achieving them.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
I Hate Winter
I hate winter.
It's grey and depressing. And cold.
I should have stayed south when I had the chance, 16 years ago, but noooooo. I had to move back to Ohio. Dummy.
And now it's colder than a polar bear's backside. The temperature is struggling to get to the positive single digits. Ick.
The one bright side is that, even though they were predicting 7 or 8 inches of snow on top of the 5 or 6 that were already down, we got rain that mostly melted the stuff that was already down, and then just a dusting over that. It kept my streak of not shoveling alive. I haven't had to shovel in almost two years. If I can get the car in and out of the driveway, I ain't worrying about it.
Granted there are times when it's been close, but I just stayed closer to the street, and with no sidewalks, being on a motor route for mail and never EVER having any visitors, there's not much need even to clear more than the stairs to the porch, and that's easily accomplished with a broom and some salt.
The worst winter we've had in the past ten years, weatherwise, was the winter of which I spent half in the hospital, so Hooray for Aneurysms! When I got home I had to shovel a bunch, but hey, physical therapy. And that was the only winter I had to shovel more than 3 or 4 times.
Still, at this point: I could use a little global warming.
It's grey and depressing. And cold.
I should have stayed south when I had the chance, 16 years ago, but noooooo. I had to move back to Ohio. Dummy.
And now it's colder than a polar bear's backside. The temperature is struggling to get to the positive single digits. Ick.
The one bright side is that, even though they were predicting 7 or 8 inches of snow on top of the 5 or 6 that were already down, we got rain that mostly melted the stuff that was already down, and then just a dusting over that. It kept my streak of not shoveling alive. I haven't had to shovel in almost two years. If I can get the car in and out of the driveway, I ain't worrying about it.
Granted there are times when it's been close, but I just stayed closer to the street, and with no sidewalks, being on a motor route for mail and never EVER having any visitors, there's not much need even to clear more than the stairs to the porch, and that's easily accomplished with a broom and some salt.
The worst winter we've had in the past ten years, weatherwise, was the winter of which I spent half in the hospital, so Hooray for Aneurysms! When I got home I had to shovel a bunch, but hey, physical therapy. And that was the only winter I had to shovel more than 3 or 4 times.
Still, at this point: I could use a little global warming.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Music Time : For Good - from Wicked
I heard this today and it made me happy and sad.
I thought I'd share.
I thought I'd share.
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