the human soul is information
information can neither be created nor destroyed
but information can be transformed translated and dissipated
if i dissipate sufficiently maybe i will become transparent
i am now nearly translucent
perhaps i can lose coherence and transform to near nothingness
no one can see me unless i color myself in
ive tried it
i recently remained unseen in a very public place for nearly twenty minutes
no one knew i was there
no one saw
no one will miss me when i translate
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
sadness
sadly after 5 days without my medication my blood pressure is only borderline i was hoping the headaches and blurred vision were because it was sky high but its not maybe it was just a fluke low reading i hope
maybe i can be gone before st patricks day but i dont know i hope though
my doctor wonders why i think everyone will be better off without me but how could they not be? i drift into peoples lives leave a stench and when im gone the bad memories of me fade into nothing
im like a ghost already nobody sees me or hears me or knows im around i just take up space and resources the world will be better when im gone
mayb i can spend easter with jesus
maybe i can be gone before st patricks day but i dont know i hope though
my doctor wonders why i think everyone will be better off without me but how could they not be? i drift into peoples lives leave a stench and when im gone the bad memories of me fade into nothing
im like a ghost already nobody sees me or hears me or knows im around i just take up space and resources the world will be better when im gone
mayb i can spend easter with jesus
figures
a good day at church today and just when im starting to feel like a human again and my mom wants to argue
so instead of two hours with my kids at a birthday party i got two hours of sitting in the car crying
why is it that when youre standing on the edge of a cliff staring into the abyss that the first impulse of others is to give you a push?
4 full days 96 hours without meds
well except for the pain pills and the sleeping pills
my head hurts i dont know if its my blood pressure or just a headache i tried pushing my blood pressure up but nothing happened
i know God is there
but sometimes not alone feels alone
so instead of two hours with my kids at a birthday party i got two hours of sitting in the car crying
why is it that when youre standing on the edge of a cliff staring into the abyss that the first impulse of others is to give you a push?
4 full days 96 hours without meds
well except for the pain pills and the sleeping pills
my head hurts i dont know if its my blood pressure or just a headache i tried pushing my blood pressure up but nothing happened
i know God is there
but sometimes not alone feels alone
Saturday, January 18, 2014
why me?
dear God why me?
of all the people who have had strokes like me why was i the one who lived? why not some kid with cancer or some soldier with babies at home? i never expected to live very long anyway
they tell me You love me and im glad because at least one of us does i know youre there but i still feel all alone down here
You can take me any time i dont mind
of all the people who have had strokes like me why was i the one who lived? why not some kid with cancer or some soldier with babies at home? i never expected to live very long anyway
they tell me You love me and im glad because at least one of us does i know youre there but i still feel all alone down here
You can take me any time i dont mind
a conundrum
ive noticed a strange quirk in the law
when you feel so bad you dont want to be any more there is no one to tell because your healthcare professionals have to have you committed for 72 hours if you tell them i think this is bad because then you get a record and you are stigmatized so you wont tell them because you would rather be dead than marked as crazy for life
so instead of getting the help you want you go from thinking about it to researching it to planning it to rehearsing it to maybe actually doing it all because you dont want to be sent away even for 3 days if it means the government gets involved because theres no right to privacy and even though you dont want to hurt anybody but yourself they think youre dangerous even though youre not and so the law that is supposed to help people ends up stopping people who need help from getting it and they end up in a bad place
when you feel so bad you dont want to be any more there is no one to tell because your healthcare professionals have to have you committed for 72 hours if you tell them i think this is bad because then you get a record and you are stigmatized so you wont tell them because you would rather be dead than marked as crazy for life
so instead of getting the help you want you go from thinking about it to researching it to planning it to rehearsing it to maybe actually doing it all because you dont want to be sent away even for 3 days if it means the government gets involved because theres no right to privacy and even though you dont want to hurt anybody but yourself they think youre dangerous even though youre not and so the law that is supposed to help people ends up stopping people who need help from getting it and they end up in a bad place
48 hours
48 hours since my last medication the longest ive been since my stroke i wonder if the pressure in my head is real or just my overactive imagination
real i hope
im cheating a little though im still taking my sleeping pills if i dont have the guts yet to finish the job completely at least i can do it 8 hours at a time
God can take me anytime now
i dont want to have to do this myself
real i hope
im cheating a little though im still taking my sleeping pills if i dont have the guts yet to finish the job completely at least i can do it 8 hours at a time
God can take me anytime now
i dont want to have to do this myself
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