An Apology of Sorts

I know that lately I have been a bit incoherent and I'm sorry. I went on antidepressants last June. I started with Effexor, which is supposed to be the ne plus ultra of the class, and it worked for a little while. When it stopped working, I asked to change to something else, but with Effexor, you have to wean off over the course of about 6 weeks, the last day of which turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life (so far).

I started the new stuff and it really has never taken hold. I felt a little better for a little while, but then I started downhill again and never really bottomed out. Every time I thought I was as low as I could get, I'd drop just a little further down. I was due for refills a week ago, but for some reason the pharmacy didn't send them. There were messages on my home phone, but apparently my family listened to them and didn't bother to tell me. Anyway, I ran out a week and a half ago, and no refill. So, I just decided to cut my losses and stop them, since they weren't working anyway. At the same time, I stopped ALL of my meds, except my sleeping pills and my pain pills. Since then, I have been quite foggy. I have had daily headaches and  I sleep almost the entire time that I'm not working, which I always am.

I've realized that depression isn't my problem. It's only a symptom of my fundamental unhappiness with some of the decisions I've made in the past year or so. Medication isn't going to help that. In fact, it wasn't even taking the edge off. It was just changing my brain chemistry and costing me money to no good purpose.

The voices have been talking to me a little, recently, and I think I might have some amusing ideas, even if hardly no one is out there. I've thought about stopping writing. I still might. I suspect I will not be in this life by the end of the year. That doesn't mean I'm going to off myself or anything, although if God wants to take me home, He's more than welcome to. What it means is that if I am still alive, I will be living elsewhere, probably single or separated, in a new job, maybe doing the same thing I do now, maybe not, hopefully in a state with a warmer climate and more conservative governance.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

An Epiphany

This is going to sound strange.

Last year I made the wrong decision for the right reason. I made that wrong decision repeatedly throughout the spring and summer. I knew in my heart it was the wrong decision at the time, yet I could find no way to justify making the right decision.

I should have been willing to ANYTHING to make the correct choice. As the summer went on, I was near ready to make that decision but by that point the window of opportunity was closing. I made a desperate attempt to keep it open, but in October it slammed shut forever.

I was in my doctor's office when that happened. I went into shock and thought I nearly died. I couldn't even stand up. They almost called the emergency squad. 

I read this the other day:

"The great misery of departed spirits in the world of spirits, where they go after death, is to know that they came short of the glory that others enjoy and that they might have enjoyed themselves, and they are their own accusers.

"There is no pain so awful as that of suspense. This is the punishment of the wicked; their doubt, anxiety and suspense cause weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

"And man is his own tormentor and his own condemner. Hence the saying, They shall go into the lake that burns with fire and brimstone. The torment of disappointment in the mind of man is as exquisite as a lake burning with fire and brimstone. I say, so is the torment of man..."

                                                                                                    -Joseph Smith

And I realized that perhaps I have already died, and am in that lake. Sort of the The Sixth Sense.

I had the opportunity for Eternal Paradise and Happiness; the opportunity to grab that Big Brass Ring. And I chose not to. Repeatedly. And I will have to live with the knowledge that I have chosen...poorly. If I had it all to do over again, I would make the opposite decision. And for having made the wrong decision, I will now suffer for all eternity.

I joined the right church, but too late to make a difference for me. I now have no opportunity to make the right decision. I am damned.  

happiness and the lack thereof

looking back i realize i haven't had a happy day a day where i could look back at the end and think that was a good day in over three months

and the happy days in the months prior to that were few and far between

i havent had an extended period of more than a day or two where i felt good and happy in over a year everytime i get to feeling a little ok something or someone comes along to smack me back into my place which is an unhappy place

ive had enough i need to make it stop but i dont know how i have ideas but none of them are pleasant

and i love going to church but at the same time no one there can answer my biggest question and ive asked a lot of people and instead of hope it causes despair because i can see the destination from here but i have no way to get there

my choices before i joined have determined the outcome i can expect and i have no way to change it without hurting more people i love which seems to be the only thing i am good at anymore

live another hundred years or die right now my fate is sealed and there is nothing i can do to change it

i would give everything i have to have lived these last fifteen months differently

i would not have pretended things were fine for as long as i did

i would have made the hard choice i should have made a year ago that seemed the wrong choice at the time the only thing i couldnt do but that i should have done

i would have done whatever it takes to be where i should have been, forever

and now the opportunity is lost forever

music time - tentative - system of a down

going down in a spiral to the ground
no ones gonna save us now

no echo

i once sang as part of a choir at the old colisseum which is where the cavs used to play before they moved to downtown cleveland they used to hold concerts there as well but we were just performing at a high school graduation there were only a few thousand people there but it was some kind of feeling to perform in the same building as so many of the music heroes i had admired as a child

the thing about such a huge place is that tthere is very little sound returning to you as a performer which makes it hard to judge your sound thats why the bands have monitors on the stage to play the music back at them so they can hear how they sound

if you've never been on stage it might be hard to understand but it is important to be able to hear yourself perform the echos are key to the sound

i feel that way now i am talking and talking and talking and im getting no feedback i cant hear myself and i dont think anyone else is out there either hearing me and so i just stand here and shout tonelessly into the nothingness to nobody

it used to make me feel better to put my feelings into words but now it just lessens the pain by a tiny bit eaxh time that comes back worse every time and more quickly afterwards i'm like the vortices at the museums that you roll coins into i am spiralling downward faster and faster and soon i will drop out and be gone no more tears no more pain i cry every day and i am so tired i cant wait to rest within the year maybe sooner i promise ill go away and never bother anyone ever again

i hate who i am i hate that im weak i hate me

why?

i was reading old emails.

banter

it was special meant the world to me wonderful

others are alright

what is wrong with me?

why not me?

why cant i be a friend?

i miss her so much

all i wanted was a friend

now i have nothing

i hate myself SO MUCH

i wish i were dead

please God take me

music time: nothing touches - new model army