Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Day It Died

Today is another one of those new anniversaries that have come to symbolize the disaster my life has become. It's been one year since my marriage died. I know that it's not officially over, but in realiry, most of what has occurred over the past year has been like the the final twitches of someone newly deceased, where the some parts of the bidy haven't quite realized that the others have ceased functioning.

A year ago, today, my wife pushed me away and told me she needed some space. We had both been in a downward spiral and I was trying to take advantage of a manic moment in my emotions to help bring her to a better place, where we could maybe stabilize each other in a better place.

She thought I was simply acting out of guilt.

Over the course of the next couple days, what had been a gentle nudge for space became a figurative slap in the face, then a punch in the gut. She treated me as though I was a disgusting worm, worthy of no more consideration than would be afforded such. Our counseling sessions deteriorated to shoutiung matches before ending entirely.

I can count the number of times we've touched, even just a hug, on my fingers. The few attempts at anything more have felt more like teenagers groping in the back seat of the old man's car than a married couple with respect and feelings for each other. They just felt WRONG.

And for the life of me, I can't see any way back to where we were. I don't see how it can ever be or feel right again. And after all the venom and hatred that have been thrown at me over the past year, in all honesty, I can't really say that I want to go back.

Just the other day she decided we needed to "talk." She talked about how the DVD on our anniversary was an "olive branch" and that she was disappointed that I hadn't really responded to it. My only reply to that was that my letter of five months ago was an olive branch as well, and the response to that was pretty much apathy. She said she didn't know what she wanted at that point and I said I had waited for months and then moved on.

My marriage is dead. It just hasn't been interred yet.

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