Thursday, January 30, 2014

Shouldn't Be Long Now

I noted the other day that my blood pressure was 163/108. I found a nice little website that documents what that means.

Here's the money paragraph:

"High blood pressure in this range can cause symptoms such as headache, nausea and vomiting, mental confusion, vision changes, chest pain, or shortness of breath. If you notice any of these symptoms, your high blood pressure is considered a hypertensive emergency and you need to call 911. During a hypertensive emergency, a medical team will work to bring your blood pressure down quickly. If you don't have these symptoms but your blood pressure remains high, doctors call this "hypertensive urgency." It's important to seek medical attention for hypertensive urgency, so that doctors can help bring your blood pressure down over a period of hours to days."

Headache? Check. Every day.

Mental Confusion? Check. A little more all the time.

Vision Changes? Check. My eyes no longer focus together: I have to read through one or the other.

Chest Pain? Check. Especially when I'm walking, which used to be one of my few pleasures. Now it's a chore.

Shortness of Breath? Check. It's now hard to get up the stairs.

Nausea and Vomiting? Not so much. Yet, anyway.

Call 911? Not a chance. And if I pass out and someone else calls, I will refuse treatment when/if I come back around.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm not choosing to go, I'm choosing to not extend my life by artifical means, of which, I think we can agree, medications are one.

Frankly, I just hope I have enough warning to write one final post to say goodbye.

But, if big deal. It's not as if anyone gives, excuse my language, please, a flying fuck, anyway.

Video Time: Billy's Balloon

I've loved this video since the first time I saw it.

And now that I have kids (who love balloons), I love it even more. Especially because I told them it's based on a true story.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

It's the Thought that Counts

At least that's what I've heard.

That makes this year's anniversary gift all that more special.

This year will be my 20th anniversary. Such an auspicious number would seem to require an auspicious gift.

Granted it's well ahead of the actual date, but I believe you celebrate when the opportunity presents itself, rather than feel it necessary to confine yourself to a specific time.

So, I found two 4th row tickets to Elton John on Saturday night. The price is about one and a half paychecks of my part time job, but how often do you get fourth row seats?

Preceded by a dinner at Arnie's, which looks like a dump from the outside but serves the universe's best steaks on the inside, it would be a truly special night.

And that's where "It's the thought that counts" comes in. I thought about it.

My thought was this: "With the way she's treated me this past year, she's lucky I don't choose that ray to have her served with dicorce papers."

So, she's getting for Valentine's Day and our 20th anniversary exactly what I got for my birthday and Christmas: Ignored.

It's the thought that counts? My thought is, "Not worth the time, effort or expense."

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

A Tad High

Just had my blood pressure taken, or as I like to say, "tooken."
Tomorrow, it will be three weeks since I quit my medications. This is, incidentally, almost the exact time I was off my medications before my stroke four years ago. My blood pressure was 163/108, which is, according to the American Heart Association, just 2 points diastolic (the lower number) from requiring emergency hospitalization. Which I would refuse anyway.

So, my headaches and dizziness are not just side effects of withdrawal from my antidepressants, but have an actual medical cause. I've my left eyelid tends to be a little lower than the right when my eyes are fully open, and that's new. My heart beats faster and harder now when I walk at what used to be my normal pace, and I get short of breath fairly quickly. I've noticed my left eye also sometimes goes out of focus, and sometimes I get bright bands of flashing "lights" behind my eyelids.

I'm curious as to what my cholesterol is, now that I've stoped those medications, as well.

It's amazing how quickly the human body can deteriorate when you just lose interest in going on.

I'll keep you posted.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Fell Down Went Boom

So, after work this morning, I drove an hour through the wind and snow and finally made it into my driveway (which I still refuse to shovel until I can't actually get the car into it), and had to take the dog for her morning excursion.
Four-Tenths of a mile and five arms-windmilling slides through the streets later, I finally edged my way up my snow and ice encrusted front steps, clearing them somewhat as I went.

By the time I left for work eight hours later, they were again even more snow covered and still ice encrusted, though not so much, as I cleared them with my behind as I fell then slid all the way down.

I drove all the way to work sitting in a puddle of my own failure to remain upright.

When I spoke with my wife from work a little while later, I opined that it would be really cool if she could find two bored kids to find two nice snow shovels and maybe clear the front part of the driveway. And if not, then at least make the steps less snow covered and ice encrusted.

I wouldn't bet a nickle that it will be done when I get home. I'll get to fall back up the steps before falling back down them to take the dog for the walk she demands every time I get home, rain, shine, snow, sleet, hail, smog.

And all that in temperatures that will be somewhere south of zero and winds of between 25 and 30 mph.

Or, as my dad would call it when I was young, "Time for [me] to get out there and get that driveway cleared." And I wasn't even bored, just available. AND he would get me up an hour earlier than normal just to clear the driveway and sidewalk so he could get in his car and drive to work. Even on days when school was cancelle, which it rarely was because our parents either didn't care as much about us, or because they knew pain builds character. And intense pain makes less wimpy brats.

Oh well, I take comfort in the fact that, no matter what my lot in life, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

UPDATE: While the driveway remained essentially unshoveled (my daughter did about six square feet in a couple places), my wife managed to scrape the top layer off the snow on the steps, which at least left a nice, packed-down layer to walk on, rather than the lumped mounds that dropped me. So, 'E' for effort. You should have bet that nickel.

Music Time: Far Away - Nickelback

I have a confession: Nickelback is kind of a guilty pleasure.
They go from sappy love songs to almost raunchy love songs to goofy, funny sort of songs to good old-fashioned rock songs.

Though, the lyrics do make me wonder at times: If you're the violently jealous type, is it really such a good idea to date so many strippers?

This is one on the sappy love songs, though: No strippers. I heard it again the other day and, as seems to be the case so often these days: Once again, Tears.


By the way, if you want a funny, raunchy song that I like to call The Best Nickelback Song Nickelback Never Did, I'll put that below the fold. That's a misnomer, though: Nickelback singer Chad Kroeger co-wrote the song and sing the second verse and part of the chorus. Content Warning, though: the lyrics are about what you would expect from a song called It Won't Suck Itself.

Blah, BLAH, Blah

So, I got to give my first talk today at church. It wasn't a regular meeting, though: It was a Fireside evening where investigators come and learn a little more about the church.
My topic was a brief background and a testimony of my conversion.

I was nervous, but I figured I would do okay. I had a few pages of note to make sure I said what I wanted to say, in the order I wanted to say it. I mean, seriously. who can't talk about themselves for five to seven minutes?

Me, apparently.

I didn't talk for five to seven minutes. I went on for almost half an hour. Apparently I do "blah, BLAH, blah."

I started with the standard opening: "Four score and seven years ago," then segued into the Shatner version of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds. Seriously. I wanted to start out on a light note.

I followed with "My name is Arik and I'm an alcoholic," which got a few polite chuckles for what might have been a weak joke, if in bad taste. Only, it wasn't a joke. It is part of the centerpiece of my thesis: We make bad decisions and yet Heavenly Father still loves us: While we are rewarded by the Spirit for the difficult choices we make, we are also given forgiveness and absolution, a chance at redemption, for the mistakes we make, even when they are serious.

Alcoholism is suicide. Even if you come out, as I did, with nothing more than a slight tremor from the berve damage, you are killing yourself eight , nine, ten hours at a time. For those hours, I could be Not Me, which was what I wanted to be. It's still what I want to be, but I am trying to achieve that through prayerful living and more Godly choices now, instead of just drowning myself 8 ounces of vodka at a time. Yeah, my shots weren't from shot glasses, they were from tumblers.

I ended up staying and talking with people for almost forty minutes after the meeting. They were locking the doors behind me as I left. There are a lot of people like me in the church. The stake president is a convert just like me. There were a few alcoholics there, as well. It's nice to know I'm not alone. At least when I'm at church.

I asked my mom to come and hear me. She had other things to do. My kids were supposed to have a club meeting tonight, but it was cancelled. When they got home, I asked if they wanted to come and hear me, but my wife had more important things planned. I guess The Simpsons was coming on. (BTW: Number one thing no one has EVER said: "I'd love to come along, but the Pro Bowl is on tonight.")

I wish church was every day for eight hours. At least.

On a completely unrelated note, after Weight Watchers on Saturday, I heard a Porterhouse calling me and I ended up at Longhorn. I also had a coupon. (Ever notice the Weight Watchers store are always surrounded by restaurants? The one I go to is surrounded by them. And oddly, the next store over is a bird seed store (I know, right!?!) but every year the owner lets the Girl Scouts sell cookies in front of her store on Staurday mornings, which are the biggest meetings of the week. Evil.)

Anyway you know how "theme" type restaurants name their potties in cutesy names, like caballeros and damas at a Mexican place? Well, Longhorn names theirs "Bulls" and "Lambs." which is hilarious because the female of Bull isn't Lamb; it's Cow. Which would be hilarious: can you imagine telling your ladyfriend she needed to go to the Cow's room? Or should I say, your soon to be EX-ladyfriend?

And that Porterhouse? Tender and Delicious. Too bad you didn't come to Weight Watchers with me: I had plenty to share. And I would have appreciated the company.

P.S. I actually got to enjoy one of the few things about winter that doesn't totally suck: donuts in the church parking lot. Other than occasionally sledding and sometimes a really pretty morning after an ice storm. you can TOTALLY keep winter.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Life is Strange

Last year started out oddly for me.

I told you on Christmas about the friend I made. I didn't get too much in depth, but I have some more thoughts I'll share now.

Something has been going through my mind over the past week or so. I just finished the fourth book in the "Hangman's Daughter" series. It wasn't the best of the bunch, but it was still pretty good. It was the most predictable of the four: I could see where it was headed early on, which is not a trait of the earlier books. Still, it managed to wring a few tears out of me.

I bring this up because the title character, Magdalena, looks JUST like my friend. That was what drew me to the picture in the first place.  I mean, other than the smiling eyes and the knowing grin on her lips and the fact that she's rather stunning in her own right. I mean, how often do you see a character step right out of a book? Even if the character's looks are a figment of your own imagination. (Honestly, their eyes are different colors, but why quibble?)

And, since I don't want to use real names, but I don't want to just call her "my friend," or "my former friend," I am going to use the names "Abigail," and "Abby," because she reminds be of King David's second wife: smart, strong and her (first) husband was a total idiot. (Seriously, his name means "fool" or "idiot" in Hebrew. Actually, it translates literally as "Jackass." I'm told that isn't a curse word if you are in fact talking about the donkey type.)

So, at this time last year, my family was getting ready to go on the first leg of our "Racist Vacation." That's Kalahari, Kennywood, then something else starting with a 'K.' As it turned out, the 3rd 'K' was only me, and it was either Kirtland, my Kidney stones, or my drive through Kenosha which left me unwelcome in the Greater Milwaukee area. My wife was going through her fits about how much she hated Abby, and I tried to pull away, honestly I did, but frankly, I couldn't do it. We had met for a reason. I said that at the time, and I still believe it today. And that reason had not yet been discovered.

We did take our vacation. It was in one of the lulls in the friendship where we were trying to stay at an arm's length, figuratively speaking, and were basically communicating only in public forums and fairly formally at that. My wife, of course, didn't believe that, but it was true. And then I got my kidney stones. It was a difficult time for me physically. The pain was pretty rough until I underwent surgery and had a stent put in to help the stones pass. The stents took me out of the episodic agonizing pain and in to the constant low grade agonizing pain. My wife assumed, incorrectly, that I was still in constant contact with Abigail.

In fact, my wife shunned my for most of the month of February. The day before I had my stent taken out,, she was stunned to find out I was passing blood. It wasn't news, it had been happening every time I walked for over three weeks. She shunned me into March, as well. Abby and I spoke sparingly, and mostly in a professional context for most of this time.

It was the day after St. Patrick's Day, March 18th, that I got  one word e-mail from Abigail. It said, "Drowning." I still have it saved. She was in pain, and I couldn't ignore that. My wife had been distant and pushed me away for so long that I thought, "If I'm going to be treated like that, I'm going to help her." So I did. It was a momentous decision.

We started talking again, and Abby started feeling better. In a few weeks, she told me she wanted to do something for me, as a thank you for helping her through a rough time. I told her that her friendship was thanks enough for me, but she offered to share her religion with me. I said, "Okay. Out of academic interest anyway. Don't expect me to convert, though. Because you all are crazy." Another momentous decision.

I had about two weeks at the end of March and beginning of April where my wife seemed to be coming around. Then I told her that I was studying the church, that I wanted to be a better person, that I wanted to EXALT her, so to speak, and she drew away from me again. That was on April 4th of last year. We have hardly spoken since. And that time includes the entire three days at Kennywood. As close as we got to speaking was the shouting matches we had in marriage counseling, which ended disastrously.

As crazy as it seems, we've barely spoken now in almost 10 months. I've tried, but she pushed me away so much, that no matter how hard I tried to reconnect, I couldn't. So, I finally stayed away. 

I never thought a year ago that I would be looking down the barrel of a divorce, but I don't see how we get back to where we were from here. I am no longer the person I was a year ago. I not only studied the church, I actually DID convert. I guess that makes me crazy, too, but at least I'm crazy in Christ! But my wife is Catholic and hates my church as much as I hated being Catholic when I was growing up. 

I realized too late that my marriage wasn't as strong as I had been pretending it was. And I WAS pretending, even to myself.  In my quest to become a better person, I became someone my wife didn't like and couldn't accept. If I had known where things were going at this time last year, I would have pulled away then. I made the wrong decision for the right reason: If I had left then, it would have appeared that I was leaving her for someone else, which would have been both true and untrue. A man who would leave his wife for the sole reason he wants to be with someone else is a man not worth being with. 
And the irony is, now that I am likely to be leaving, free to be friends, Abigail will no longer speak to me. I messed up. I messed up big. And I have no way of letting her know how sorry I am.

Nor how much her friendship means to me. It means enough to me that I would literally do almost anything necessary to get it back. What would I NOT do? Sacrifice small animals. Beat my children (though I would (and DO) THREATEN them with a severe lashing). Um...Worship Baal and/or Moloch...Vote democRat (although, if she asked REEEEAAAAAALLLY nicely...maybe) can't think of much else.

What WOULD I do?

I would drive walk 500 miles in a raging snowstorm with temperatures below zero and windchills of about 3 Kelvin just to shovel snow out of her driveway. THAT'S serious friendship. Because I HATE snow.

I would rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I died.

I would never eat another cookie in my life, if that were her desire.

I would take on a fire-breathing dragon with nothing more than a rusty sword and armor made of scrap tin and aluminum.

I have never met anyone whose friendship had such a powerful effect on me. It lifted me up, made me more than I was. It made me want to strive to be BETTER.

Without it, I am lost and floundering.

My failing marriage aside, I am a better person for having met her: I have nearly stopped cursing, which means I have had to actually acquire a vocabulary. I have lost a lot of weight, nearly 50 lbs sonce last April, due I believe, to prayer and the Church, to which Abigail introduced me. I have given up most of my bad habits, including one I thought I would never, EVER break involving certain media and the activities associated with the consumption thereof. About the only bad habits I have left are my addiction to Coke® and maybe picking my nose in traffic. Also, thinking farts are always funny. No one in my life has EVER been able to give up so many bad habits. And a large part of it was that I didn't want to disappoint her.

I moss our discussions about church and scriptures, which is something I can't say about any other person. We used to try to sing on Skype. The delay doesn't help with harmonizing, but it was fun. I still sing to her in my more whimsical moments. ♪♫You don't know you're beautiful...♫♪. She has a beautiful voice to go with her beautiful face.

As I said on Christmas, I have risked almost everything I have to remain friends, and the final total has not yet come due. But I would do it all again. And I would risk anything that I have left to bring that friendship back. Maybe I'm clinging (but not bitter, just confused). But when someone is so special, so influentuial, so wonderful, so POWERFUL, you have to hold on to them with every last ounce of strength, every last gasp of breath. I will love her until the day I die, and when I wake up on the other side, I will know I am where I am thanks to the guidance she gave to me.

It may not be manly to admit it, but  admit it I will: I miss her so badly that it brings tears to my eyes every night. She is in my prayers every night. I pray for her to find peace, love and happiness.

I miss her so much.

Football Fun

The only way Richard Sherman's rant could have been any better would have been to go like this:

Just sayin'.

Friday, January 24, 2014

An Apology of Sorts

I know that lately I have been a bit incoherent and I'm sorry. I went on antidepressants last June. I started with Effexor, which is supposed to be the ne plus ultra of the class, and it worked for a little while. When it stopped working, I asked to change to something else, but with Effexor, you have to wean off over the course of about 6 weeks, the last day of which turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life (so far).

I started the new stuff and it really has never taken hold. I felt a little better for a little while, but then I started downhill again and never really bottomed out. Every time I thought I was as low as I could get, I'd drop just a little further down. I was due for refills a week ago, but for some reason the pharmacy didn't send them. There were messages on my home phone, but apparently my family listened to them and didn't bother to tell me. Anyway, I ran out a week and a half ago, and no refill. So, I just decided to cut my losses and stop them, since they weren't working anyway. At the same time, I stopped ALL of my meds, except my sleeping pills and my pain pills. Since then, I have been quite foggy. I have had daily headaches and  I sleep almost the entire time that I'm not working, which I always am.

I've realized that depression isn't my problem. It's only a symptom of my fundamental unhappiness with some of the decisions I've made in the past year or so. Medication isn't going to help that. In fact, it wasn't even taking the edge off. It was just changing my brain chemistry and costing me money to no good purpose.

The voices have been talking to me a little, recently, and I think I might have some amusing ideas, even if hardly no one is out there. I've thought about stopping writing. I still might. I suspect I will not be in this life by the end of the year. That doesn't mean I'm going to off myself or anything, although if God wants to take me home, He's more than welcome to. What it means is that if I am still alive, I will be living elsewhere, probably single or separated, in a new job, maybe doing the same thing I do now, maybe not, hopefully in a state with a warmer climate and more conservative governance.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

An Epiphany

This is going to sound strange.

Last year I made the wrong decision for the right reason. I made that wrong decision repeatedly throughout the spring and summer. I knew in my heart it was the wrong decision at the time, yet I could find no way to justify making the right decision.

I should have been willing to ANYTHING to make the correct choice. As the summer went on, I was near ready to make that decision but by that point the window of opportunity was closing. I made a desperate attempt to keep it open, but in October it slammed shut forever.

I was in my doctor's office when that happened. I went into shock and thought I nearly died. I couldn't even stand up. They almost called the emergency squad. 

I read this the other day:

"The great misery of departed spirits in the world of spirits, where they go after death, is to know that they came short of the glory that others enjoy and that they might have enjoyed themselves, and they are their own accusers.

"There is no pain so awful as that of suspense. This is the punishment of the wicked; their doubt, anxiety and suspense cause weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

"And man is his own tormentor and his own condemner. Hence the saying, They shall go into the lake that burns with fire and brimstone. The torment of disappointment in the mind of man is as exquisite as a lake burning with fire and brimstone. I say, so is the torment of man..."

                                                                                                    -Joseph Smith

And I realized that perhaps I have already died, and am in that lake. Sort of the The Sixth Sense.

I had the opportunity for Eternal Paradise and Happiness; the opportunity to grab that Big Brass Ring. And I chose not to. Repeatedly. And I will have to live with the knowledge that I have chosen...poorly. If I had it all to do over again, I would make the opposite decision. And for having made the wrong decision, I will now suffer for all eternity.

I joined the right church, but too late to make a difference for me. I now have no opportunity to make the right decision. I am damned.  

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

happiness and the lack thereof

looking back i realize i haven't had a happy day a day where i could look back at the end and think that was a good day in over three months

and the happy days in the months prior to that were few and far between

i havent had an extended period of more than a day or two where i felt good and happy in over a year everytime i get to feeling a little ok something or someone comes along to smack me back into my place which is an unhappy place

ive had enough i need to make it stop but i dont know how i have ideas but none of them are pleasant

and i love going to church but at the same time no one there can answer my biggest question and ive asked a lot of people and instead of hope it causes despair because i can see the destination from here but i have no way to get there

my choices before i joined have determined the outcome i can expect and i have no way to change it without hurting more people i love which seems to be the only thing i am good at anymore

live another hundred years or die right now my fate is sealed and there is nothing i can do to change it

i would give everything i have to have lived these last fifteen months differently

i would not have pretended things were fine for as long as i did

i would have made the hard choice i should have made a year ago that seemed the wrong choice at the time the only thing i couldnt do but that i should have done

i would have done whatever it takes to be where i should have been, forever

and now the opportunity is lost forever

music time - tentative - system of a down

going down in a spiral to the ground
no ones gonna save us now

no echo

i once sang as part of a choir at the old colisseum which is where the cavs used to play before they moved to downtown cleveland they used to hold concerts there as well but we were just performing at a high school graduation there were only a few thousand people there but it was some kind of feeling to perform in the same building as so many of the music heroes i had admired as a child

the thing about such a huge place is that tthere is very little sound returning to you as a performer which makes it hard to judge your sound thats why the bands have monitors on the stage to play the music back at them so they can hear how they sound

if you've never been on stage it might be hard to understand but it is important to be able to hear yourself perform the echos are key to the sound

i feel that way now i am talking and talking and talking and im getting no feedback i cant hear myself and i dont think anyone else is out there either hearing me and so i just stand here and shout tonelessly into the nothingness to nobody

it used to make me feel better to put my feelings into words but now it just lessens the pain by a tiny bit eaxh time that comes back worse every time and more quickly afterwards i'm like the vortices at the museums that you roll coins into i am spiralling downward faster and faster and soon i will drop out and be gone no more tears no more pain i cry every day and i am so tired i cant wait to rest within the year maybe sooner i promise ill go away and never bother anyone ever again

i hate who i am i hate that im weak i hate me


i was reading old emails.


it was special meant the world to me wonderful

others are alright

what is wrong with me?

why not me?

why cant i be a friend?

i miss her so much

all i wanted was a friend

now i have nothing

i hate myself SO MUCH

i wish i were dead

please God take me

music time: nothing touches - new model army

transparency and information theory

the human soul is information

information can neither be created nor destroyed

but information can be transformed translated and dissipated

if i dissipate sufficiently maybe i will become transparent

i am now nearly translucent

perhaps i can lose coherence and transform to near nothingness

no one can see me unless i color myself in

ive tried it

i recently remained unseen in a very public place for nearly twenty minutes

no one knew i was there

no one saw

no one will miss me when i translate

Monday, January 20, 2014

the blood is the life remove the blood remove the life


sadly after 5 days without my medication my blood pressure is only borderline i was hoping the headaches and blurred vision were because it was sky high but its not maybe it was just a fluke low reading i hope

maybe i can be gone before st patricks day but i dont know i hope though

my doctor wonders why i think everyone will be better off without me but how could they not be? i drift into peoples lives leave a stench and when im gone the bad memories of me fade into nothing

im like a ghost already nobody sees me or hears me or knows im around i just take up space and resources the world will be better when im gone

mayb i can spend easter with jesus


a good day at church today and just when im starting to feel like a human again and my mom wants to argue

so instead of two hours with my kids at a birthday party i got two hours of sitting in the car crying

why is it that when youre standing on the edge of a cliff staring into the abyss that the first impulse of others is to give you a push?

4 full days 96 hours without meds

well except for the pain pills and the sleeping pills

my head hurts i dont know if its my blood pressure or just a headache i tried pushing my blood pressure up but nothing happened

i know God is there

but sometimes not alone feels alone

Saturday, January 18, 2014

why me?

dear God why me?

of all the people who have had strokes like me why was i the one who lived? why not some kid with cancer or some soldier with babies at home? i never expected to live very long anyway

they tell me You love me and im glad because at least one of us does i know youre there but i still feel all alone down here

You can take me any time i dont mind

a conundrum

ive noticed a strange quirk in the law

when you feel so bad you dont want to be any more there is no one to tell because your healthcare professionals have to have you committed for 72 hours if you tell them i think this is bad because then you get a record and you are stigmatized so you wont tell them because you would rather be dead than marked as crazy for life

so instead of getting the help you want you go from thinking about it to researching it to planning it to rehearsing it to maybe actually doing it all because you dont want to be sent away even for 3 days if it means the government gets involved because theres no right to privacy and even though you dont want to hurt anybody but yourself they think youre dangerous even though youre not and so the law that is supposed to help people ends up stopping people who need help from getting it and they end up in a bad place

48 hours

48 hours since my last medication the longest ive been since my stroke i wonder if the pressure in my head is real or just my overactive imagination

real i hope

im cheating a little though im still taking my sleeping pills if i dont have the guts yet to finish the job completely at least i can do it 8 hours at a time

God can take me anytime now

i dont want to have to do this myself

Thursday, January 16, 2014


another day another crying episode

i ran out of antidepressants last night but i dont care they arent doing me any good anyway i dont want to take medications anymore

im lost

im at the nadir and there's nowhere to go but down

noone wants me around when im there and when im not they excise me from their minds like a tumor a boil to be lanced im a nonentity

i give up

Safe Haven

I don;t know what I ate, but it is certainly having its way with my belly. I don't feel bad, I've just been, um, rather musical all day. I wanted to warn my co-workers, but couldn't think of a tactful way to tell them. I think maybe I ought to put up a sign,like at Sea World. You know: "Splash Zone."

I tried thinking of what I could call it, but I had some trouble.

Here are some of the ideas I rejected:

  • Gas Chamber (Too many negative connotations)
  • Stench Closet (I'm in an open area)
  • Fart Fantasy Land (Too whimsical)
  • Odor Arena (Close, but not quite)
  • Wafting Wonderland (Also too whimsical)
  • Stinky Place (Accurate, but too generic.)
What I finally decided on was Aroma Zone. It sounds like a fun place, accurately describes what it should describe, but in a much more pleasant manner than is appropriate. It's a perfectly Orwellian description. 

I like it.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Music Time : (Don't Fear) the Reaper - Blue Öyster Cult

I heard this song on the way into work yesterday, and it made me smile. If you don't know why without me telling you, though you SHOULD, I'll fill you in on the next page. But listen to this first:

lolbama Adjunct - 12 December 2014

Here are a few for this week's picture and one bonus:

Saturday, January 11, 2014

New Year's Resolutions

Now that January is almost half over, it might be a good idea to put up some New Year's Resolutions. I think my first should be to stop procrastinating, but maybe I'll leave that for next year.

Anyway, I probably shouldn't make new ones until I review last year's. So here goes:

For the first and second, wherein I wanted to be nicer to liberals and democRats by not comparing them to Nazis and Hitler, I think I performed fairly well. As I said last year, they are more akin to Stalin and Mao than to Hitler anyway.

For the third, my weight loss had averaged 16 pounds a year for the two years prior, and I wanted to keep that up. Didn't happen though: I lost 35 instead of 16 for a total of 67. I've been as high as 80, but with the winter hibernation weight gain I have annually, I gained some back. However, my gain was only half what it normally is, so there's that.

Four and five dealt with my walking. I walked 750 miles in 2012, and took several long hikes. I wanted to hit 800 or 850 miles and more long hikes. I can't remember how many long hikes I actually took, but I took a few, so neither win nor loss. However, as far as mileage goes, I hit 1000 miles on December 31. I was happy-ish.

Number six was to buy an assault rifle, which I did NOT do, though, as it conflicted with number seven, living within my means more. I DID buy a 20-gauge shotgun though. And as far as number seven went, I took a part time job to supplement my full time job. I paid off $1000 of debt and made it through a fairly pricey Christmas debt free. In fact, when I paid of the credit card I was using, I had EXACTLY enough left over for the tithing I owe. Funny how that works.

Number 8 was to throw the Alinsky-ite methods the left uses back at them, with ridicule and such. I started off strong, but lost steam toward the end of the year.

So, on to the new ones.

1). I want to continue to lose weight. I would like to lose thirty pounds from where I am now by mid-summer, so I can take my kids to one of the big amusement parks like Cedar Point or Kings Island and actually fit into the cool rides, like I did at Kennywood last year. If I can be do that, then be at that weight by the end of the year, I will be satisfied with the year.

2).I want to keep up my walking. I'm not sure whether to try for 1000 miles again, or go for 500 and get a bike and ride that for some mileage. I suspect that which it is depends on whether I can find a decent bike at a decent price.

3). Having found the church I'd been looking for, and having joined, I now want to do the best I can to be active and live the Word. I's not always easy, and my wife hates that I'm not Catholic anymore, but I always hated BEING Catholic, so she'll either deal with it or go. While I've heard the church leaders say the priority should be family, work, church, then self, I think it goes without saying that church should be in the mix. And I think I have to stay with the church I believe to be true, rather than pretend to believe what I know to be false.

4). I want to continue to work toward fiscal sanity. There will be opportunities to pick up hours throughout the year at my second job, and I want to take as many of them as possible. In the event that I get booted from my home, I want to be able to have some breathing room so that I can get settled elsewhere. Worse comes to worst, I want to be able to relocate as easily as possible if I get a job in another area, which would be awesome.

5). I want to try to feel better. Last year was the worst of my life, and it ended terribly. The last three months were nearly unbearable. And this year hasn't started well, either. I'm starting to think this is how it's going to be, so I might as well get used to it and make the best I can of it. My home life has gotten so uncomfortable as to make work the more attractive option, which is saying something. The plus side of that is I can use the money. The minus side is that there are only so many hours available to pick, and I have to sleep sometime.

6). There is NO resolution six.

7). I want to try to keep writing. I am having trouble doing funny or ranting or anything other than feeling sorry for myself, but having an outlet helps a little. I know there are very few people out there looking at what I write, and even fewer that have anything to say about it, but what can you do...

8). I'm going to try to remember that I'm an introvert. It seems that every time I try to be outgoing and make a friend, it ends badly and I end up ruining things and hurting everyone involved. The last time has thoroughly devastated me. I don't think I can take that again, and the only way I can think of to avoid it is to not make any new, deep friendships. If I don't care, then I can't be hurt. I am a rock.

Anyway, those are my goals for the new year. I hope whatever yours are, you find success and happiness in achieving them.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

I Hate Winter

I hate winter.

It's grey and depressing. And cold.

I should have stayed south when I had the chance, 16 years ago, but noooooo. I had to move back to Ohio. Dummy.

And now it's colder than a polar bear's backside. The temperature is struggling to get to the positive single digits. Ick.

The one bright side is that, even though they were predicting 7 or 8 inches of snow on top of the 5 or 6 that were already down, we got rain that mostly melted the stuff that was already down, and then just a dusting over that. It kept my streak of not shoveling alive. I haven't had to shovel in almost two years. If I can get the car in and out of the driveway, I ain't worrying about it.

Granted there are times when it's been close, but I just stayed closer to the street, and with no sidewalks, being on a motor route for mail and never EVER having any visitors, there's not much need even to clear more than the stairs to the porch, and that's easily accomplished with a broom and some salt.

The worst winter we've had in the past ten years, weatherwise, was the winter of which I spent half in the hospital, so Hooray for Aneurysms! When I got home I had to shovel a bunch, but hey, physical therapy. And that was the only winter I had to shovel more than 3 or 4 times.

Still, at this point: I could use a little global warming.

Saturday, January 4, 2014