Saturday, March 22, 2014


Well, anniversary number 20 today. The last year was not good, so I'm not feeling particularly celebratey today. In fact, I'm not feeling celebratey at all.

I hate to seem materialistic and greedy, but as I said earlier this year, it's the thought that counts. When someone doesn't even bother to get you something for Christmas, They're either not thinking of you, or they're not thinking well of you.  I knew I would not be buying a Valentine's Day gift or an anniversary gift at that point, though I was open to change my mind if circumstances warranted, which they, in the end, did not.

I noted a while back that she had said she got me something that required a "lot of thought." I guess I got my hopes up that there would be something that would promote a healing and regeneration of a relationship that has atrophied significantly over the past year and a half. Maybe something that would say, "Let's go forward together."

What she got was a DVD of a Dana Carvey HBO special that we used to watch on Comedy Central, years ago when we were in California. We watched it again and again and it was funny every time, which was good, because they played it about 12 times a week. So, instead of "Let's go forward together," I got, "Remember when things didn't suck?"

Truth be told, what I really wanted was simply a card that said something to the effect of, "I know it's been a rough year, but I really want to fix this. Please don't expect me to convert to your new church, but I will try my best to learn about it so I can understand the new person you've become and be part of your life in the future."

Instead, a gift that said, "It was long ago, it was far away and it was so much better than it is today."

I had been putting off applying for those out of state positions in the hopes I could complete a Hail Mary.

No more.


  1. It seems as though you are being reactive rather than proactive.

    1. I've done proactive. I've made attempts and invitations to try to mend things. I've hinted and stated outright.

      I've been rebuffed enough and she doesn't seem to want to put in any real effort.

      There's an old jokes that says a woman marries a man hoping he'll change and a man marries a woman hoping she never will. She seems to want the same guy I was 20 years ago while I am incapable of bringing him back, while I need someone who will grow with me and go with me.

      I just can't do this anymore.