Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Another Day, Another Anti-depressant

Well, I have another appointment with my doctor tomorrow, the first since I almost got pinkslipped and sent for a three-day vacation. I'm going for an evaluation of the efficacy of my anti-depressant, which are having minimal to no effect. I'm wondering if it's going to do any good.

I've been on meds now for almost 6 months, and they seemed to have some effect at first, but by mid-August, I was back to feeling way down.  And it's only gotten worse since. I've been depressed for over a year, and this last month was the worst of all, even with the new meds.

I don't know if anyone is out there listening, or if anybody cares. I seem to have alienated pretty much everyone I care for, and that cares for me (or that I thought cared for me). I can't think of one person that I've spent any significant time with that could, over the last year, say that my presence in their life has been a net positive, on balance. If I could take a magic eraser and erase my presence from everyone's lives over the last year, the happiness level of the world would rise significantly. I'd do it if I could.

I've pretty much alienated everyone, I guess.

I wonder if the way I feel is my New Normal. Sometimes I wonder if I've had another stroke that destroyed the happiness center of my brain. I'm tired and feel really alone. The only consolation is that I'm pretty sure I'm over halfway through. I can't imagine another 44 years.