I've now been off my antidepressants for a full month. Though I AM back on the blood pressure pills. Reluctantly.
Antidepressants are supposed to take the edge off the highs and lows, stabilize the emotional rollercoaster. Instead of running lows and highs from, say, 2 to 9 on a scale from 1 to 10, they're supposed to even you out, make the range, say, 4 to 7.
What I got was a range from 0 to 2. It didn't help that I received news about the time I started them that was utterly devastating, made me not want to go on, but they certainly didn't do what they were supposed to.
So now, I range from about 2 to 4. I'm very rarely happy, except at church and with my kids. Of course, I'm forbidden to ever mix the two.
On the other hand, I from time to time feel a smile on my face that doesn't feel forced or foreign, doesn't make me cringe to think what it must look like. Not often, but occasionally. I still have no real desire to go on, to see what's next, no hope that things will be any better anywhere else, but I don't wish constantly that it was over and I was gone. Just mostly, not constantly.
So, I guess we'll just see what happens. Valentine's is coming soon. Another holiday to get no gifts from my wife. I'm done trying.
Anybody looking for a roommate?