Finding myself in a downturn again.
I miss my friend, Abby.
I wish I were getting better, but I'm not. I'm getting worse. I feel as though all the oxygen has been taken from me, like I'm in a candle jar. Each day, I feel as though my flame has dimmed a little, slowly being extinguished by a lack of air.
My health is declining, while my weight continues to rise. At one point, I would walk five miles as a warmup and now I struggle through one. By half a mile, I feel like dropping and the only thing that keeps me from quitting is, well, being half a mile from home.
She used to tell me she loved my words, and now I can hardly put anything in writing. I've not written anything funny in ages. There's no funny left in me. I can't muster sufficient energy for a rant.
Does the oxygen thing seem melodramatic? On the day our friendship was severed, I was literally floored. I couldn't stand up or breathe. My doctor almost called the squad. I fell several times. He also nearly sent me for a three day supervised vacation. He would have if I hadn't lied to him. I've been lying ever since.
I've never hurt so bad for so long. Every day is agonizing. I can't even paint on a happy face anymore.
I can't write the whole story of that day yet. I will. But not now. In a few months. I have the day picked out.
After that, nothing.