Friday, January 24, 2014

An Apology of Sorts

I know that lately I have been a bit incoherent and I'm sorry. I went on antidepressants last June. I started with Effexor, which is supposed to be the ne plus ultra of the class, and it worked for a little while. When it stopped working, I asked to change to something else, but with Effexor, you have to wean off over the course of about 6 weeks, the last day of which turned out to be the absolute worst day of my life (so far).

I started the new stuff and it really has never taken hold. I felt a little better for a little while, but then I started downhill again and never really bottomed out. Every time I thought I was as low as I could get, I'd drop just a little further down. I was due for refills a week ago, but for some reason the pharmacy didn't send them. There were messages on my home phone, but apparently my family listened to them and didn't bother to tell me. Anyway, I ran out a week and a half ago, and no refill. So, I just decided to cut my losses and stop them, since they weren't working anyway. At the same time, I stopped ALL of my meds, except my sleeping pills and my pain pills. Since then, I have been quite foggy. I have had daily headaches and  I sleep almost the entire time that I'm not working, which I always am.

I've realized that depression isn't my problem. It's only a symptom of my fundamental unhappiness with some of the decisions I've made in the past year or so. Medication isn't going to help that. In fact, it wasn't even taking the edge off. It was just changing my brain chemistry and costing me money to no good purpose.

The voices have been talking to me a little, recently, and I think I might have some amusing ideas, even if hardly no one is out there. I've thought about stopping writing. I still might. I suspect I will not be in this life by the end of the year. That doesn't mean I'm going to off myself or anything, although if God wants to take me home, He's more than welcome to. What it means is that if I am still alive, I will be living elsewhere, probably single or separated, in a new job, maybe doing the same thing I do now, maybe not, hopefully in a state with a warmer climate and more conservative governance.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

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