happiness and the lack thereof

looking back i realize i haven't had a happy day a day where i could look back at the end and think that was a good day in over three months

and the happy days in the months prior to that were few and far between

i havent had an extended period of more than a day or two where i felt good and happy in over a year everytime i get to feeling a little ok something or someone comes along to smack me back into my place which is an unhappy place

ive had enough i need to make it stop but i dont know how i have ideas but none of them are pleasant

and i love going to church but at the same time no one there can answer my biggest question and ive asked a lot of people and instead of hope it causes despair because i can see the destination from here but i have no way to get there

my choices before i joined have determined the outcome i can expect and i have no way to change it without hurting more people i love which seems to be the only thing i am good at anymore

live another hundred years or die right now my fate is sealed and there is nothing i can do to change it

i would give everything i have to have lived these last fifteen months differently

i would not have pretended things were fine for as long as i did

i would have made the hard choice i should have made a year ago that seemed the wrong choice at the time the only thing i couldnt do but that i should have done

i would have done whatever it takes to be where i should have been, forever

and now the opportunity is lost forever