Wednesday, January 22, 2014

An Epiphany

This is going to sound strange.

Last year I made the wrong decision for the right reason. I made that wrong decision repeatedly throughout the spring and summer. I knew in my heart it was the wrong decision at the time, yet I could find no way to justify making the right decision.

I should have been willing to ANYTHING to make the correct choice. As the summer went on, I was near ready to make that decision but by that point the window of opportunity was closing. I made a desperate attempt to keep it open, but in October it slammed shut forever.

I was in my doctor's office when that happened. I went into shock and thought I nearly died. I couldn't even stand up. They almost called the emergency squad. 

I read this the other day:

"The great misery of departed spirits in the world of spirits, where they go after death, is to know that they came short of the glory that others enjoy and that they might have enjoyed themselves, and they are their own accusers.

"There is no pain so awful as that of suspense. This is the punishment of the wicked; their doubt, anxiety and suspense cause weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

"And man is his own tormentor and his own condemner. Hence the saying, They shall go into the lake that burns with fire and brimstone. The torment of disappointment in the mind of man is as exquisite as a lake burning with fire and brimstone. I say, so is the torment of man..."

                                                                                                    -Joseph Smith

And I realized that perhaps I have already died, and am in that lake. Sort of the The Sixth Sense.

I had the opportunity for Eternal Paradise and Happiness; the opportunity to grab that Big Brass Ring. And I chose not to. Repeatedly. And I will have to live with the knowledge that I have chosen...poorly. If I had it all to do over again, I would make the opposite decision. And for having made the wrong decision, I will now suffer for all eternity.

I joined the right church, but too late to make a difference for me. I now have no opportunity to make the right decision. I am damned.  


  1. You breathe. You have a pulse. Miracles happen. Redemption is available and freely offered. Forgiveness can be had. If the party you apparently wronged (I'm guessing here) has already passed on, then tell it to God as the Ultimate Judge. It's his show anyway, and if he thinks it necessary then I'm sure he can pass the message along.

    It isn't over until it is over, and it ain't over.

    No matter how "final" you may think your transgression is, if the others involved are still alive then you could easily be singing a different (happier) tune in a few years.

    True and brief (for me) story: I've known my best friend for about 44 years. We once spent 3 years without speaking to each other, and thought our friendship was OVER (bold, all caps, double-underlined), and for "good" reasons. That was in the late 1980s. Thank God we were wrong, but there was NO WAY we could have seen otherwise at the time.

    I'm sure you feel you're damned, and you probably have very good reasons. But feelings aren't facts. You're not damned. Not yet.

    Breathe in and out, and wait. You may end up waiting for a long time.

    1. Thank you.

      I've been in a world of hurt lately. I stopped taking my anti-depressants and it makes me a little...incoherent. They weren't working anyway, honestly. I don't feel much worse without them, and better for not having spent the cash to buy them, but that transitional period without them really plays heck with me.

      I've sort of lost all hope. I think I'm going to write about my wrong decision. I'm working up the courage to put it into words, because it's harsh reality, and it hurts. Like I said, sometimes we do the wrong thing for the right reasons, and it leads to unpleasant consequences.

      Life. Don't talk to me about life. :)