Last year I made the wrong decision for the right reason. I made that wrong decision repeatedly throughout the spring and summer. I knew in my heart it was the wrong decision at the time, yet I could find no way to justify making the right decision.
I should have been willing to ANYTHING to make the correct choice. As the summer went on, I was near ready to make that decision but by that point the window of opportunity was closing. I made a desperate attempt to keep it open, but in October it slammed shut forever.
I was in my doctor's office when that happened. I went into shock and thought I nearly died. I couldn't even stand up. They almost called the emergency squad.
I read this the other day:
"The great misery of departed spirits in the world of spirits, where they go after death, is to know that they came short of the glory that others enjoy and that they might have enjoyed themselves, and they are their own accusers.
"There is no pain so awful as that of suspense. This is the punishment of the wicked; their doubt, anxiety and suspense cause weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.
"And man is his own tormentor and his own condemner. Hence the saying, They shall go into the lake that burns with fire and brimstone. The torment of disappointment in the mind of man is as exquisite as a lake burning with fire and brimstone. I say, so is the torment of man..."
And I realized that perhaps I have already died, and am in that lake. Sort of the The Sixth Sense.
I had the opportunity for Eternal Paradise and Happiness; the opportunity to grab that Big Brass Ring. And I chose not to. Repeatedly. And I will have to live with the knowledge that I have chosen...poorly. If I had it all to do over again, I would make the opposite decision. And for having made the wrong decision, I will now suffer for all eternity.
I joined the right church, but too late to make a difference for me. I now have no opportunity to make the right decision. I am damned.